Monday, September 14, 2015

5 Reasons For Dating Backwards

I get asked a lot about the details of how I met my wife. In a word: Online. (Long story... another time). All in all, my wife and I dated online before dating online was truly a thing and did so very retro in style. Meaning, we didn't even "meet" online through a dating website. It happened organically through a website chat room with limited functions.

However, it wasn't the fact that we dated online, first; then in person, that lead to our success. It was HOW we dated. We dated backwards.

And so, here are.....!

5 Reasons For Dating Backwards

1. Deal Breakers First, Deal Makers Later.
Dating backwards is laying out essentials early on by hashing out the deal breakers before the relationship becomes too invested. This is something that couples tend to cover in the later aspects of the relationship time line (such as family values, politics, finances, religion... the true deal breakers). As it currently stands, most couples start by circling around each other and skim the surface regarding the early stuff (favorite color, food, hobbies, etc). However, this causes the couple to have already developed many spousal behavior patterns which makes the connection far more emotionally invested than the reality of the relationship may be ready for.

By covering deal breakers first, you save a lot of headache, heartache, and time. By covering the bases of if a relationship is actually well matched or not, you cover objective aspects of a relationship in terms of its level of fit before physicality mucks up everyone's judgment. After all, you're going on physical dates because part of you already likes the other person (and visa versa). As this repeats itself, people get lost in a pattern of trying to fit a square into a circle because of all that emotional positive reinforcement via the flirting, the flattery, the attraction, the physical touch, etc. This brings us to...!

2. Reality Before Physicality.
Dating backwards requires that physicality is left on the back burner and that the dating aspect of information gathering, processing, and mutual matching of present as well as future fit is placed at the forefront. It is otherwise way too easy to ignore some huge red flags, leaving them neglected under the guise of various expressions of passion. After all, what is more fun? Hashing out the business, or, hashing out the bedroom. Common... just being honest, here. So, when all your friends and family have concerns about this one guy or gal.... you just might want to pay attention... and very likely break it off. Then again, if everyone is telling you this is a great person and they really hope it works... and they NEVER say anything like that, you might want to pay attention here as well ;)

3. Facts Before Fun.
Going out together, getting to know each other, the flirting, the chase, etc. All these things are FUN. However, in early dating, especially dating backwards the goal should be all about the information. What are the facts? What do we know about relationships which make for a good, successful, long term healthy match? Seek these facts out. If the match could be better, then both parties are likely best suited to part ways. If the match is solid, then it is time to progress the relationship. Sure, this isn't FUN per se. However, it is factual... meaning, it is more likely to discern if a new budding relationship is headed for success or doom. And, if it is doom, then couple can decide their options to avert it, avoid it, prevent it, fix it, or simply break it off before it inevitably happens and everyone suffers. AND, if it the facts point towards success, then go ahead and move forward with the relationship! Why wait? Why play the circling game... because, society say so? Well... society hasn't been doing so very well with successful relationships. FACTS FIRST!

4. Values Stand Out.
Dating backwards is highly functional, however, is it less romantic and all around less fun. Talking about values is a deep and uncomfortable thing for people that have just met. And yet, dating backwards requires this as talking about values exposes all the potential weak and strong areas of a relationship as it moves forward. By covering values now, there are no surprises later. And, if there are some blatantly obvious discrepancies in values within the couple, then it may be a good idea to reassess the relationships if not break up and move on. After all, it is VALUES that causes the really bad break ups... family, friends, money, jobs, politics, religion... these are the things that can really wreck relationships. By dating backwards, you see from afar if they are even going to be present.

5. Can You Hear Me Now?
Dating backwards requires that communication becomes the foundation of the early phases of the relationship. Typically, early phase foundations are that of attraction, physicality, and high strung emotions. By dating backwards, you take out the ephemeral aspects of the customary early phases and replace it with solid dimensions of a well developed relationship. Starting backwards, you hone out perhaps the most important part of a successful relationship. Communication. It becomes absolutely clear, because you can't hide behind everything else. You can hide behind the flirting, the surface discussions, your favorite color... none of that stands when dating backwards. Everything is exposed and if there are some fundamental personality traits that are not compatible at the communicative level, it WILL be exposed brutally. The good news is this, because you are dating backwards, you've done this early on in even the first few dates (2-3 weeks even). If this relationship was going to be all so difficult and doomed, you already know so and can amicably and agreeably move on... rather than dating for a year or two to find out that yeah..... there's an irreparable communication issue.

Dating Backwards
Dating is still a very new aspect of the human experience. Historically speaking, what we are most recently accustomed to in the human experience is arranged marriage. It is only recently that humanity reached a point where we could otherwise choose our own spouses, Therefore, to find the critical compatibilities for a good match and long term success, dating backwards is the best way to go about it. The "spark" and other romantic elements that we tend to seek in our early dating chronology actually serve to muddle our judgment and the reality of the situation -- are we, or, are we not a good couple?

By dating backwards, couples find out very quickly if they are or are not. And, by doing so, will save themselves a lot of problems -- or -- will, in a very healthy way, accelerate their experience in a most positive manner.

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