So, I had the surprising pleasure of being contacted regarding the inclusion of my blog to be listed as a "Top Work At Home Dad Blog!" It's kinda cool, since it seems they found out about all this via this direct blog I've been running for years.
Either way, it's nice to know people are on the lookout for this phenomenon & I'm glad to be included in such a collection; if anything, in hopes it can inspire and empower others to take that plunge into being at home with those who matter most in life.
So, some of you know that I was diagnosed with ADD (when it was still called that) as a youngster. Over the years, I've figured out a way to channel all that energy. I don't think it's anything except a super power at this point. Once you can properly engage & channel minds on this far side of the attention-continuum-curve, it's basically like channeling the power of the sun.
I did a video blog on this via my Dad Blog called "Daddy In The Raw: The Real Life of a Work At Home Dad." It's linked below. I hope you enjoy it and that it helps!
Finding the right, ideal, perfect, etc. person in the context of a relationship is often the goal for many. We have our lists, our requirements, our deal breakers, certain must haves, certain would be perks. But here's the thing, relationships (despite what TV may tell us) isn't to be approached as one does a meat market.
In fact, by doing so, we make the experience of finding our special someone all about us. What about them?!
If everyone is only look for their own desires, who is looking out for your future and/or intended beloved's?
My advice is this: Don't pursue the ideal person. BECOME the ideal person.
There are so many people in the world -- and -- being that the world has gotten so much smaller, it's not about finding the right person. It's about becoming the right person.
If you like character traits A-E, then you must become the type of person that character traits A through E would be attracted to.
After all, what good it is to find your perfect person and have them NOT be attracted to you?!
I find that typically guys have more issue here than gals. So, I'll hammer the fellas for just a moment. Say you like girls who do this, do that, look a certain way, have certain goals in their lives. I mean, they sound more than pretty awesome -- that's just hot marriage material, right?!
But, are YOU marriage material? Do you fit their bill? Why would they be interested in the likes of you? If they are so amazing, you better be just as if not more amazing if you wish to hope to and/or even dream to come across as attractive to them.
That's the secret. If you want to be with your ideal mate, you must first become it.
And, that is actually the secret sauce in terms of attitude for any successful relationship. It's not about you. It's all about them. By making the entire relationship process and path from finding, pursuit, inception, cultivation, even to maturation -- all about your significant other... the relationship becomes that much stronger because it's not based on egocentricity. It's based on what relationships should be on... RELATING to the beloved, the one you care about, the one you love.
So, that's it. Finding the ideal person is all about being the ideal person and having no hesitation about it when your lives cross paths.
Loneliness in marriage means the relationship stopped growing the day you said, "I do."
Wow... harsh, huh? I bet most everyone didn't expect me to put the brutal truth right up front. But, here is the thing... I didn't purpose the answer up front to knock the wind out of you and keep you down. I put it up there as an exercise of introspection and honesty.
The thing is, it is normal for relationships (formal, informal, labeled, legal, etc) to go through certain swings and cycles. However, a good relationship should look like this, a long trend of growth:
A less than healthy one... a bad one, looks like this... nothing but ups and down without growth:
So, what do we do? How do we live out healthy relationships like the first graph and not like the second? It's all about growth. If you grow together, you will grow closer. If you grow separately, you will grow apart.
Think on how much time in your day you are with or apart from your significant other. This is the start. Then think on how much cognitive time you are with or apart in your interests, hobbies, career, family, and values. Are they convergent or divergent? Certainly, not every couple can converge on the stereotypical interests of their significant others. However, there are three ways to make best the situation into something even better.
First, find a new common interest. What I find that many healthy couples develop is a 3rd interest which becomes the new them. Neither person of the couple had an interest in this third option. Yet, because this has become their new normal, it becomes part of their definition of who they are and how they spend their time together. This concept of new normal is very important.
Secondly, there exists at least ONE interest of the other which is acceptable and welcome. Pursue it. And, encourage mutual reciprocation on this. I personally have found that things that didn't used to interest me but has always been interesting to my wife are now my shared passions. The best silly example of this is behind the scenes content for movies. My wife loves behind the scenes for anything and everything. And, I didn't start out that way. In fact, I hated them at first. But now, I really enjoy them!
Thirdly, consider what is more important. Is your hobby more important? Or, is your relationship? If you've known me for some time, you know that I used to be an avid surfer. There were winters in San Diego I used to surf those waves where news reporters and life guards told you to stay away for your own safety. Those were the waves I craved. Well, after a while, it seemed that surfing only really benefiting me -- a self experience. What was more important to me was my time with my wife. My safety and my quality time with her were more important than my short time in the water. So, I gave up surfing... for now. After all, someone needs to teach my son ;) But, that's another bit for later.
Some Closing Thoughts
If you are finding yourself lonely in a relationship, remember the core of the issue isn't that the love has gone dry or you're going through a phase. What has happened is that the two of you have and are continuing to grow apart. You must take intentional, action oriented steps to mutually find your way back to each other. This must be done on all levels of life's interests: Intellectual, Physical, Emotional, and even Spiritual.
Converge on these four dimension, laboring to ensure that the beloved is upheld far above your own needs, and I can guarantee you unbound success in your relationship going forward.
Some people just can't seem to clearly see the signs, positive or negative. For others, they are simply blind to them. Many times when this is the case, a relationship will grow stale and linger into detriment. At such points, something needs to be done. The relationship needs to progress and develop, otherwise, it will be doomed to failure. After all, life is about growth and growth requires change. What's more, if you can't grow with the person you're with, you will end up growing apart.
Here are...
5 Signs That You're Waiting Too Long
1. People mistake your status.
This is my personal favorite. You know the situation, you're being introduced or you're introducing your significant other or visa versa... and your friends, family, and coworkers give your relationship status an upgrade. If you're "dating" suddenly you're introduced as "boy/girlfriend." If you're in a relationship, suddenly you're engaged. Or, if you've been engaged for a while, people start assuming you already got married. It gets better. After a while, even you are getting it mixed up... not sure where the lines are to address your significant other per social labels.
2. It's been more than 18 months...
If there has been no change in 18 months, then you've been waiting too long. Either you need to move the relationship forward or move on from the relationship. Really, if it's been that long and everyone's all happy, then it's "time to put a ring on it." ... or get a ring put on. 18 months should be more than enough time to progress the relationship to the next stage.
3. More old flames.
Just like signs when you should move on from a bad relationship, this is similar signal to which your relationship needs to move forward because you are still waiting too long. See, enough time has passed for old flames to swing around and check back up on you... again.... and again.... and, again. If that much time has passed, you have definitely waited too long.
4. You're thinking about waiting.
It's like that movie 7 Year Engagement where the couple kept putting things off because of life. It would've been healthier for the relationship to have just committed on all levels first. Sure, it's Hollywood romance to fiiiiiight for it. But honestly, it's emotionally damaging. Stop waiting and get together already!
5. Other people are lapping you.
Yeah. When other people are lapping you; people who just started a relationship suddenly get married... except that this has been a pattern -- this is a huge sign you are waiting too long. As those couples who commit and tie the knot with less time being together start to seemingly come out of the woodwork, what it is really telling you is that you have waited far too long to progress your relationship.
I know that in the millennial age, labels and names and calling it "a thing" is a scary... well... thing. We have this strange cultural expectation of immediate gratification without any lingering commitment. It's no wonder that many subscription based businesses are moving away from yearly contracts and are going to month to month models. People are phobic of commitment for fear that they make the wrong life choice.
However, that, in and of itself, can be the wrong life choice in its entirety. By waiting, you are choosing to delay something that could be marvelous and beautiful.
So, stop waiting! Choose the life you want.
Well! There are a few more relationship posts I've had sitting in the queue so I'll be working on those and some other expanded content. I'm also really looking forward into getting into some honest talk on the academic & career path conundrum which is facing the millennial age as well as some ideas on what we can do about it. Stay Tuned!
A painful but very important topic in talking about relationships centers on "the break up." Sometimes, moving on is healthier for the relationship and the people in it, than grinding it out until you both are nothing but emotional dust. This is particularly the case when we start looking at the effects of long time relationships splitting up, and, divorce -- not just on the couple but on the entire family and social structure. So, if you're in a tough spot now, you may want to consider...
5 Signs You That You Need to MOVE ON!
1. Everyone seems to dislike her/him.
It doesn't matter how long the relationship has existed; it may be days, weeks, months, or even years. And, despite all that time, everyone still seems to dislike the two of you being together. Moreover, they seem to just really get annoyed by your significant other. This is the first sign that you two just need to move on. The relationship is not meant to be, it's not pretty, it's forced, and it's ugly.
2. You've broken up before.
It doesn't matter if it was a break, break up, time apart... whatever. The fact is, it's called a "break up" because it is b-r-o-k-e-n! It doesn't mean every relation which has ever broken up and gotten back together was a mistake. No, not at all. Morel likely than not, it means the two of you are not the right two people for each other at that time in life. Being together is more detrimental than being apart. It could also be that the on-again-off-again pattern is telling you that maybe it's not the right fit for the relationship. Maybe it's time to move on.
3. Old flames are tested.
Now, old flames being tested isn't just that they show up randomly... it means that one or both of you are being legitimately contacted by or are contacting old flames because you can't get peace by being together. This is one of the biggest red flags telling you that the two of you need to move on. And again, I'm not referring to the untimely friend request while you two are in a fight. I'm talking about emailing, texting, and secret phone calls that were agreed upon as a Big No-No. Therefore, if you're in a situation where you feel a release, an emotion of the positive valence, and/or that flirt-bug-of-happiness by being in regular contact with an old flame, this relationship you are currently in may need some moving on from.
4. Same stupid arguments.
Since human society has largely transitioned into chosen versus arranged relationships, we have the ability to start testing spousal behaviors prior to marriage. That means those same stupid arguments, habits, and pet peeves will still exist as you will carry them into your marriage and otherwise long term arrangements. Be it the argument itself or some other annoyance, just remember whatever you bugs you or yours now will drive you guys insane later. After all this time, you'd figure that the two of you reasonable people would have come to some type of understanding. If not, then you probably should move on.
5. It's been a long time.
Yep.... it's been a while and everyone else seems to have already gotten married, moved on with their lives, and are having kids.. blah blah blah. So, why is it taking so long for you two? Answer: It's because it is NOT working. Supremely long relationship timelines are basically stalling out the inevitable and terribly obvious, you need to move on. While social norms are seen in a certain light, it shouldn't take much more than a few exposures to someone to know if you like them or not. However, we are a bit flighty these days... commitment phobia has caused for the dating process to become more complex and drawn out. Yet, if you put everything aside and look at the core qualifiers of a strong relationship, you'll see that it doesn't need to take 4 years of dating and 3 years of engagement to get married. People that fit well and want to be together practically want to elope because the wedding date STILL isn't close enough. If this isn't the spirit of your relationship and it's a bunch of wait and see, then you have got to MOVE ON!
Again, these are just signs that you need to move on. It's your choice. Some relationships need a grinding element until it becomes fully blossomed. Other relationships... it's just forced. For these, it's probably best you move on now rather than have the all out break up later.
Moving right along with this relationship series! Today, we're talking about five signs that are a very positive affirmation that you two are meant to be. Now, I don't mean "meant to be" as in the stars have aligned just for the both of you. In fact and all reality, there are probably several people in the billions in this world who would functionally match quite well. What I mean by "meant to be" is that you and yours are such a good match that it would be a shame not to move on it NOW.
So! Here are....!
5 Signs That You Are Meant To Be
1. People tell you not to screw this up.
Your friends and family haven't been a big fan of most of your past relationships. This one, however, they are a fan. More than that, they take the extra effort to pull you aside and tell you not to mess... this...up! When you hear this, you better perk up and pay attention because this is the first sign that you and yours are a really strong match... meant to be ;)
2. They are the favorite.
When your friends and family seem to favor your significant other more than you, this is yet another sign you are meant to be. You know how it is. They seem more protective of them, seem to always take their side, and team up to rib you every so often. Yep... they are the new favorite... and they aren't even related!
3. You're making each other better.
One of the most positive signs that you are meant to be is when you make each other better. This occurs is nearly every dimension. Typically the first thing people notice is an improvement in the emotional health of your family & social circles. Then comes your attitude, habits, behaviors, and even the smoothing out of some strained past relationships (non-romantic, of course).
4. You finish each other's sandwiches!
That's what I was going to say!
No, but really, finishing each other's sentences means you two communicate very well. And, since communication is one of the long term foundational pillars of a healthy relationship, finishing each other's sandwiches is a good sign ;)
5. Thing are moving fast... too fast.
FOR YOU. Not everyone else. Well... at first, typically everyone is freaking out that you two are moving forward so quickly. THEN, everything changes. Some magic moment happens and now everyone feels you two are moving too slowly. When's the wedding? Where are the kids? Aren't you having them already? Pregnant? PREGNANT?! When are you guys buying a house? Yep.... all those "way too fast" conversations are talks brought up by your social circles. Not by the couple. This is the final sign that you two are meant to be. So, why fight it?
It's time for the guys to get exposed! Yep, following in as the second of five relationships posts, we're going to talk about the signs to which guys give out when they really really like you. And, just in case you missed the first one, here it is: 5 Signs That She REALLY Likes You
So without further ado, here are...!
5 Signs That He REALLY Likes you
1. He starts studying your interests.
One of the earliest signs that a guy is starting to go from interested in you to really liking you is their shift of devotion to your interests. They may have started loving basketball and action movies; now, they are exploring your interests as well. The movies you like, the types of books you like to read... or, they may have never been a reader and now have read a bunch of them. Why? For you!
2. He starts dressing the way you like guys to look.
You may have noted a style or shirt or scarf or something silly like that, which you've noted you think looks good or looks good on guys. Guess what? He's starting to take notice of what you like and he is starting to dress that way too. It may seem silly or even superficial, but for a guy. this is a big deal!
3. He contacts you for no specific reason.
Guys don't really make contact for no reason. There is ALWAYS a reason. Nothing is just for chats or just because, there is always a purpose, a goal, a target, an objective. It's just like that classical way guys shop versus girls. Guys go in, get the stuff, and leave. Girls tend to explore more, browse, and take their time. If a guy is contacting you and it feels more like browsing and less like getting in and getting out... then he probably likes you a lot.
4. He goes out of his way to spend time with you.
If a guy is driving crazy distances just to spend little bits of time with you, he likes you. He could just as easily stay home, drink beer, watch sports, or play video games. Instead, he is hacking at traffic just to spend time with you... observing your interests, dressing the way you like guys to look, and doing so with no specific reason in mind. Why? Because you are the reason.
5. He does stuff you want to do.
Are you two seeing a lot of chick flicks? Shopping a lot? Is he doing his best not to be bored while doing all sorts of things you like to do... but, him... not so much? That's because he likes you. Yep, if you find a guy doing all sorts of things you want to do, it is because he find it a more valuable time to spend it with you despite whatever sort of things you guys are doing together. This is the final hint that a guy really likes you... particularly if he is doing stuff he obviously does NOT like. That just means he likes you that much more.
So, I was having this convo with my wife the other day and we realized that there are categorical behaviors guys and gals start to adopt when they REALLY like someone. Well, since 5 is a fun number, I'm going to not only share with you Five Signs... I'll be sharing with you FIVE posts on various relationship signs.
Launching this relationships series (in a collab with my wife), are....!
5 Signs That She REALLY Likes You
1. Calls you anything other than your name.
That's right! If she calls you by a nickname or a pet name... or ANYTHING else. She likes you. Unless it is something severely insulting, nicknames are a way of communicating a feeling of closeness... at least, being closer than your other friends or any other competition out there. Keep your eye out for this one. Now, things that don't satisfy this category is definitely the world of pronouns. "Hey You" and "Buddy!" That kind of stuff... that's friend zone material.
2. You seem to be the only ride.
For whatever reason, no matter where she needs to go, you seem to be her ride of choice. She has all sorts of other friends who in retrospect are closer and available. But, it seems her best choice for transportation is hauling you way out from wherever to give her a ride to some place which apparently is 5 minutes away from your home. This is a funny way of getting time with you; typically one on one time in the car. Moreover, it becomes a dependable pattern -- which she likes.
3. She asks for your advice.
Now, I'm not referring to just any type of advice. This type of advice is of the deeper things in life. Relationship advice about her friends, family, or even a guy she thinks she likes or she thinks likes her. It can also be questions and discussion topics that are perfectly appropriate for her girlfriends. However, they never seem to be around when she has an itch to seek advice... only you are there. And, of course, you're a good friend so you give her the best advice you can conjure... BECAUSE SHE LIKES YOU!
4. She's really interested in your girlfriend.
This one is a lot of fun. Typically, it starts with "you deserve to be with someone that..." *insert one of her traits here.* It's usually something like, "You deserve to be with someone that really understand you." or "You really should be with someone who appreciates you for who you are." That kind of stuff. This girl typically has been there a long time waiting for you to figure out how much she likes you. But, she wants you to make that realization and make the move. She wants to figure out all the info she can about your girlfriend and how the relationship is struggling because she's ready to pounce on the opportunity post-break-up.
5. Your other female friends don't like her.
So, if you have a decent gathering of female friends and they seem to hate this one girl... without any clear reason... this one girl probably likes you and the rest of your friends are jealous. It's also possible they are being protective, which in and of itself, is a sign that the girl likes you... why would you need any protection from her to begin with otherwise?
Now, not any single one of those signs is a definitive piece of evidence that a girl likes you. More likely, it's the case that a combination of these signs gives you a cluster of information that a girl like you.... the more in that cluster, the more likely she really likes you.
The only question is, what are you going to do about it?!
I get asked a lot about the details of how I met my wife. In a word: Online. (Long story... another time). All in all, my wife and I dated online before dating online was truly a thing and did so very retro in style. Meaning, we didn't even "meet" online through a dating website. It happened organically through a website chat room with limited functions. However, it wasn't the fact that we dated online, first; then in person, that lead to our success. It was HOW we dated. We dated backwards.
And so, here are.....!
5 Reasons For Dating Backwards
1. Deal Breakers First, Deal Makers Later.
Dating backwards is laying out essentials early on by hashing out the deal breakers before the relationship becomes too invested. This is something that couples tend to cover in the later aspects of the relationship time line (such as family values, politics, finances, religion... the true deal breakers). As it currently stands, most couples start by circling around each other and skim the surface regarding the early stuff (favorite color, food, hobbies, etc). However, this causes the couple to have already developed many spousal behavior patterns which makes the connection far more emotionally invested than the reality of the relationship may be ready for.
By covering deal breakers first, you save a lot of headache, heartache, and time. By covering the bases of if a relationship is actually well matched or not, you cover objective aspects of a relationship in terms of its level of fit before physicality mucks up everyone's judgment. After all, you're going on physical dates because part of you already likes the other person (and visa versa). As this repeats itself, people get lost in a pattern of trying to fit a square into a circle because of all that emotional positive reinforcement via the flirting, the flattery, the attraction, the physical touch, etc. This brings us to...!
2. Reality Before Physicality.
Dating backwards requires that physicality is left on the back burner and that the dating aspect of information gathering, processing, and mutual matching of present as well as future fit is placed at the forefront. It is otherwise way too easy to ignore some huge red flags, leaving them neglected under the guise of various expressions of passion. After all, what is more fun? Hashing out the business, or, hashing out the bedroom. Common... just being honest, here. So, when all your friends and family have concerns about this one guy or gal.... you just might want to pay attention... and very likely break it off. Then again, if everyone is telling you this is a great person and they really hope it works... and they NEVER say anything like that, you might want to pay attention here as well ;)
3. Facts Before Fun.
Going out together, getting to know each other, the flirting, the chase, etc. All these things are FUN. However, in early dating, especially dating backwards the goal should be all about the information. What are the facts? What do we know about relationships which make for a good, successful, long term healthy match? Seek these facts out. If the match could be better, then both parties are likely best suited to part ways. If the match is solid, then it is time to progress the relationship. Sure, this isn't FUN per se. However, it is factual... meaning, it is more likely to discern if a new budding relationship is headed for success or doom. And, if it is doom, then couple can decide their options to avert it, avoid it, prevent it, fix it, or simply break it off before it inevitably happens and everyone suffers. AND, if it the facts point towards success, then go ahead and move forward with the relationship! Why wait? Why play the circling game... because, society say so? Well... society hasn't been doing so very well with successful relationships. FACTS FIRST!
4. Values Stand Out.
Dating backwards is highly functional, however, is it less romantic and all around less fun. Talking about values is a deep and uncomfortable thing for people that have just met. And yet, dating backwards requires this as talking about values exposes all the potential weak and strong areas of a relationship as it moves forward. By covering values now, there are no surprises later. And, if there are some blatantly obvious discrepancies in values within the couple, then it may be a good idea to reassess the relationships if not break up and move on. After all, it is VALUES that causes the really bad break ups... family, friends, money, jobs, politics, religion... these are the things that can really wreck relationships. By dating backwards, you see from afar if they are even going to be present.
5. Can You Hear Me Now?
Dating backwards requires that communication becomes the foundation of the early phases of the relationship. Typically, early phase foundations are that of attraction, physicality, and high strung emotions. By dating backwards, you take out the ephemeral aspects of the customary early phases and replace it with solid dimensions of a well developed relationship. Starting backwards, you hone out perhaps the most important part of a successful relationship. Communication. It becomes absolutely clear, because you can't hide behind everything else. You can hide behind the flirting, the surface discussions, your favorite color... none of that stands when dating backwards. Everything is exposed and if there are some fundamental personality traits that are not compatible at the communicative level, it WILL be exposed brutally. The good news is this, because you are dating backwards, you've done this early on in even the first few dates (2-3 weeks even). If this relationship was going to be all so difficult and doomed, you already know so and can amicably and agreeably move on... rather than dating for a year or two to find out that yeah..... there's an irreparable communication issue.
Dating Backwards
Dating is still a very new aspect of the human experience. Historically speaking, what we are most recently accustomed to in the human experience is arranged marriage. It is only recently that humanity reached a point where we could otherwise choose our own spouses, Therefore, to find the critical compatibilities for a good match and long term success, dating backwards is the best way to go about it. The "spark" and other romantic elements that we tend to seek in our early dating chronology actually serve to muddle our judgment and the reality of the situation -- are we, or, are we not a good couple?
By dating backwards, couples find out very quickly if they are or are not. And, by doing so, will save themselves a lot of problems -- or -- will, in a very healthy way, accelerate their experience in a most positive manner.
This blog has under gone several header titles as best fits the season of the life cycle to which it resides. I've actually noticed that depending on the type of blog, most blog based websites tend to have a 1-2 year life cycle where things need a little mixing up and changing around.
Well, my blog is no exception. By now, I'm sure you've noticed I've taken a lot of my thoughts and content in a partnership with UpDoc Media, appropriately serving as their Chief Content Officer. As such, I've been using this platform more as a personal, reflective, advisory, mentoring, and expanded outlet for my personal thoughts and philosophies as it pertains to life, academics, career, and business.
It's exciting for me since I had a fairly successful Periscope session (still just getting into it), ran as a Q&A. I'm planning on doing more of this in the future.
What is MOST exciting for me is revitalizing this blog as a place for honest conversations about life. As we continue to forge through the millennial age, we're realizing together that much of what we thought and expected of our futures is unfolding in a much different way. In fact, it is unfold in a fairly dis-congruent fashion to that which we were otherwise told it would.
Now, there are no promises in life. Certainly. However, there just seems to be such a disconnect between the social contract we signed up for and the present state of the social contract to which we are now living in.
So, what can you expect? Well, I'm going to be delving into some areas of concern in our academic system. I'm also going to continue to expand my thoughts on career strategies, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the opportunities for change. I'm going to talk a lot about relationships. THIS is exciting me. I think, as a culture, we're all obsessed with relationships... so it's going to be a lot of fun ;)
Yes, of course, I'll talk business. I ALWAYS talk business. But, what I really want to utilize this outlet for is fostering some honest thoughts and conversations about how things are, how things should be, and how we can get there together.
Many of you have already reached out privately via email, Twitter DMs, and other private channels. Awesome. Though, it seems a hashtag was needed... some were carved out for me... another I made for myself just because... sometimes, you need honest conversations during an open break time where people can just talk, as people.
So, I'll be talking to you, soon!
Take care,
-Ben
PS. Here are some hashtags which I've been mentioned on:
#btwbf (this one I use personally, it stands for Break Time with Ben Fung)
Be it a wedding, new born.. boards... interview, or, whatever... big life events have a funny way of making us drink too much coffee, sleep 3 hours a night, overdose on adrenaline, and crash.
This post is inspired by the Therapy Insiders podcast "7 Days Until" -- and, so! Here are....!
First! I want to thank you all for your support over the years. I couldn't have made this blog successful without your personal interactions and connections with me -- AND -- your truly valuable feedback.
There are some things in the works.
First, I'm sure you've noticed that there are a few more links on my pages bar:
Also, I've been doing some video blogs (vlogs) via YouTube as an expansion to Blog @DrBenFung.
And, finally, I've added some sponsor mentions. To which, you are interested in getting some air time or ads on any one of my blogs, please let me know!
That's all for now. I'm working on some blog and vlog requests by #DPTstudent(s) and some other folks so.... STAY TUNED!
So, I've been meaning to post this one for a while... particularly since I wrote this back in March. In any case, better late than never! As many of you know, Christina and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary in March. For lack of better words, it was magical. We're stronger, happier, and more in love now than when we first got married. And, it's funny that many times in life, circumstances arise to which you find yourself an "expert" of certain areas in life to one who asks advice. While I don't claim any true expertise in marriage and family counseling, I do believe that the success in our marriage has found itself rooted in a committed congruence of intellectual, emotional, and spiritual constructs. Therefore, to those who are interested, I'd like to humbly share with you...
5 Lessons after 5 Years of Marriage
1. 100/100
This is perhaps one of the first pieces of advice we suggest to anyone who comes to us with relationship questions. Early on, we established that ours would not be a 50/50 relationship. Anything that is 50/50 easily deteriorates because it relies upon human performance. And as humans, we are far from perfect. If 50/50 represents the total 100% in a relationship, then that relationship can easily be chronically functioning at less than 100% during a vast majority of the tine. However, if a couple is 100/100, each dedicated to being and owning 100% of the relationship, then the relationship truly has 200% of total potential to fill 100% of need. In the very common circumstance when someone is having an off day, they may be only holding 50% of relational waters. The other person needs to maintain their strength... even if is only at 90%, the relationship is still functioning at 140%/100%. Strong. Healthy. Whole. Consummate. 100/100 is an "all in" concept; there is no divvying of responsibilities. The relationship is everyone's responsibility in its entirety. Just because one person isn't having the best day doesn't enable the other to similarly let things go. That is how and why 50/50 deteriorates so very quickly and wears upon the relationship. Yet, in a 100/100, all in approach, the relationship is always at 100% because two people are filling those needs rather than two people, each filling only half the needs in any relationship, hoping to make the 100% fill line for both.
2. We can both win
Once, at a fun little double date dinner with good friends, we were talking... couple to couple, sharing the lessons we've learned as those newly married. I chimed up and said, Christina & I learned that we can both win in our marriage. The response from the other party was a sharp gasp, "No....!" Head shaking. Such a thing is impossible! If there is a winner, there must be a loser. However, this wasn't our approach. We learned that in any argument within the marriage, we can certainly both win when we offer each other victories based on different playing fields. My wife may be playing golf. I may be playing baseball. She needs to sink her hole and I need to hit a home run. They are two very different games, nevertheless, being played on the similar terrain of dirt and grass. Therefore, it is important to keep in perspective the goals (even when conflicting) likely are only seemingly so. That it is the method of approach which is the quarrel, not necissarily the end goal. Sometimes, the end goal we claim to have such fervor for is actually only a means to an end we have yet to discover. Here is another way to put it (paraphrased and linked for you): It's a marriage. You can either both win, or both lose. Choose to win, for each other.
3. Gossip!
No, no... it's not what you think. But, it's funny just to say it in print. Really, the word I'm looking for is hypothetical conversations. Christina & I constantly discuss hypotheticals. We take our vantage point against that of any circumstance, real, storied, or imagined, and go through what our thought process would be, what our goals would be, what our action plan would be, etc. We do this when we watch TV, movies, hear about news stories, see it in real life at the store, whatever it may be... we take it and talk about it. And, we do it all the time. We do this because the more we talk about hypotheticals, the more our mind frames are exposed to each other. And, since nothing is at stake, we also start to suggest solutions. Time after time, our solutions become organically far more in tune with each other. Over time, it is hard to find hypotheticals that we are not on the same page because we're always talking about them. When finally the hypothetical discussion becomes a reality, we already have an action plan in place. We are already familiar with each other's frame of minds, and, more importantly each other's expectations. When we jump into action, nothing is truly a surprise. We've already talked it out. It's just a matter of tackling the situation and nailing it.
4. The other comes first.
Beholding the highest of the beloved; filtering the world through a "they come first" mindset is a pillar of strength in any relationship. It's easy to be selfish as humans. In fact, it is innate. However, when you filter the world through the needs and preferences of your partner, life becomes truly interesting. This is, in kind, a type of 100/100 action in play. You're already going to be thinking for yourself, no matter how hard you try to be selfless. How much better, when your spouse is thinking for you and you for them, all the while your natural instinct covers the basics for yourself? It is as if two people are being as kind and considerate as possible to you at any and all times. Marriage isn't about you; it's about the person you've pledged your life to.
5. Role Play!
No.... it's not what you think either. There's a phrase I heard long ago that stuck with me, "Different, not unequal. Unique, not inferior." In any relationship, each person plays a different role given any specific circumstance. Each role is not lesser or inferior to the next. It is simply different, unique. For those of you who are uber nerds like myself, think about a Role Playing Game (RPG). In an RPG, everyone has a different role. Typically, characters are classified by the function they serve. In many games, there exists a "tank" classification whose purpose is to absorb damage and take the brunt of any battle. There also exists a "healer/medic" classification whose purpose is to up keep the health of the "tank." For Christina and myself, I am the tank, she is the healer. Ironic, since I'm the PT. LOL! But, in all seriousness, I'm known to have more stamina, endurance, and overall durability compared to Christina. However, I can't just go about the battles in life on my own. I need her support to do it. Without her, I'd just be battle damaged into oblivion. As is per our roles, this means I also can't just go out independently and fight battles when there is conflict around her. I must constantly be mindful, circling back to shield her as tanks shield infantry in real life. Again, neither of these roles are superior to another. They are merely different, serving a different purpose, mutually aimed towards the same goal of success. Without a tank, a healer can't be protected and the fight is over in mere seconds. Without a healer, a tank will inevitably run out of gas and die out. Both are necessary for success. Now, this is quite the hyperbole of an example; but, I mention it to serve a very important purpose of wisdom. In the marriage relationship, roles need to be clear and agreed upon. Some roles are chosen; other roles are simply natural. The best situation is created when the natural roles are filled by those naturally strong in it, and, the chosen roles are done so for the benefit of the beloved, that they may be blessed by your service. When the greatest goal of your role is to bless the one you love - AND - this is mutual... life becomes a truly beautiful thing.
Well, that's it! I hope you enjoyed this relationship oriented blog post. Until next time!!
As we all know, social media has come into a life of its own. For many of us, the connections we make here may actually be more salient than those we make in physical person. We have watched social networks mature, evolve, and grow -- each with their own culture, etiquette, use, and expectations.
We have also seen some handles grow at incredible rates, garnering inconceivable amounts of attention. We have also watched other handles with fans and followers numbering beyond that of celebrities. In contrast, we've also noted high quality content go relatively unnoticed by the numbers.
So, I must ask one question: What makes your social media significant?
I suggest that there are a duo of five C's and five P's which lead to social media significance; where the breadth of metrics match the depth in meaning. In my humble opinion, this is the core of significance in social circumstances -- it doesn't matter if you have the eyes of a hundred people when not one is compelled to interact with you. If such is the case, you are but a figment; experienced and forgotten. Whereas, if you but have the eyes of ten individuals and all ten of them personally relate with you, connect with you, and form meaningful interactions -- yours is truly significant.
The Five C & P's of Social Media Significance
1. Be Constructive - YourPosture
As with most interactions, first impressions are critically important. Your content is surrounded by the posture you take upon it. If you are negative, destructive, insulting, and critical, there is a good chance that you have already gotten on people's nerves. There is already enough of that in the world. People are over the differences and are more interested in what unifies our purposes together. Constructive, positive, and eager outlooks are very attractive. They gather attention from all walks of life because all walks of life can benefit from encouragement.
2. Be Controversial - Your Position
While this second principle may seem to conflict with the first, let's first establish that I don't mean for you to intentionally go out and offend people. Controversy at is core resides in disagreement. One person takes a position on one side of the line; the other person stands across from them. When people disagree, it is easy for things to get heated. However, disagreement doesn't mean dis-unity! It simply means we have different perspectives; more likely than not, our drive holds the same purpose and ultimately the same destination. Disagreements attract attention. And, this is good!
Being controversial takes a comparatively absolute stance which creates intellectual polarity. And, intellectual polarity makes people think - perhaps in ways they have never thought before. One can very much be both controversial and constructive at the same time; just because you and I disagree doesn't mean we have to dislike each other. Moreover, just because you and I disagree doesn't mean I can't learn from you.
3. Be Captivating- YourPresence
To be have significance in social media you must also be captivating. This is your presence. More importantly, this is how others perceive who you are. Your presence includes your style of persona. When you captivate, you not only attract attention, people eagerly let you hold them captive because you are interesting, motivating, inspiring, and encouraging.
4. BeChampioning- Your Purpose
People like purpose. There must be a purpose for the reason you exist in social media outlets. You must be championing a cause, a way of thought, a direction, a movement, or a specific social value. Purpose can unify people better than anything else. With common purpose, even the most divergent of ideologies can come together for good.
5. Be Collaborative - Your Peers
We're talking about SOCIAL media, after all. Significance within this space has much to the people you are social with. Connecting with peers is a powerful way of organically growing your significance in social media. Sharing information (not showing), creating waves in the same direction and fosters unified efforts. Such is a worthy pursuit in any circumstance. People like team players; no one likes a ball hog. Be generous with who you are.
August 8th, 2014 -- My phone shattered on tile flooring. I've been mobile free, until TODAY (Friday, September 12th, 2014). Was it hard? Actually.... No!
It's funny, remember the days when we used to say "I'm going unplugged!" with such pride... as if you were demonstrating strength of character, discipline, and restraint? Now that everything has gone wireless, mobile, and instantaneous... being plugged-in is the new unplugged!
Here are some lessons learned from a Mobile Free Life Experience.
Plugged IN??? - Mobile Free: A Life Experience
The choice to go mobile free was an easy one. My phone broke and I had only a month plus change before I was up to renew my contract with the option to buy a new phone. With that in mind, I wanted to spend extra time with my family and didn't want to get bogged down by all this instantly-gratifying-notifiable-alerts on my phone -- go mobile free? Sure! And, considering that being connected to Twitter, Facebook, Linked In, Google+, several email accounts and news alerts... it was just too much.
So what have I learned? Well, the first thing I noticed was a drastic decrease in my use of social media. I mean DRASTIC. I had to make the extra effort to jump on my laptop to interact with folks on Twitter & Facebook. Moreover, I found myself doing a lot less browsing on all media platforms, be it social or not. I also noticed a lot of international use on Google+... apparently people use it (and use it a LOT)!
I found more time.
I made time to read books (somewhere, my wife is applauding).
In that vein, I was able to get time to draft some of the books I've been planning on writing. I even found time to slate titles that I didn't yet conceive of.
I learned to take things slow and really be in the moment. This allowed me precious mental clarity in paying more attention to my family. My baby boy always considered me the fun one; after a month of increased attending to him, he really shines to play-time-with-daddy.
I discovered more opportunities to cook -- even mastered some French sauces.
I was able to reminisce a lot more. So often life moves too fast, we forget what happened even yesterday. Some of the most cherished moments were looking back on the last year as my son expanded the family. Precious times.
I noticed myself doing a lot more listening and a lot less talking.
I thought.
I sat.
I sipped away at coffee, without worry of multi-tasking... savoring the many flavors there are, even in a lightly roasted bean.
I worked out more.
Trained Jiu Jitsu more.
I daydreamed more.
Thought more upon the future... what were my real goals? Where did I really want to go with my "career"... my life?
It's a rare thing to bring life's velocity down a bit... it'll be even harder as the days go by.
Technology is integrating so many attentive aspects of our lives that I think we're losing a certain, simple yet beautiful side of our human experience.
I suppose the biggest lesson I learned was savoring moments. Instead of obsessively checking/responding to alerts on my phone, I spent that same energy realizing the full potential, the scope of beauty, the depth of ever-precious-value, and the rarity of the moment at hand.
This moment only happens once. Life, being made up of many moments... don't let this moment pass you by.
Relationships. When did things get so complicated?
I don't know about you, but I still remember how I got "married" a couple times in my precious years before 1st grade (try this now-a-days, and you'll be in some of the biggest trouble any 5 year old could ever ask for in a public school). Anyone else remember these good 'ol days? *Raises hand*
When you look back on human history, we find that relationships were rarely a chosen path for so very many cultures throughout humanity. We find that relationships were arranged, preset, and ordained. There was no choosing in the person(s) we were to end up with. However, there was the choice to make the best of it once we were set in said relationship(s).
In a relative recent turn of human events, romantic relationships between humans wrote a new chapter - DATING.
The dating scene has created a most intriguing element for romantic relationships; it has provided a testing ground. Where prior in human history, you were all in and someone else decided the circumstances for you. Currently, the dating testing ground is extremely fluid. We date each other to test for things like fairness, equality, commitment, "the spark", trust, etc.
As we date longer and longer, we find things become unbalanced. The emotional, intellectual, physical, and sometimes spiritual expressions of the dating scene are not always given equal attention. Most of the time, things are quite lopsided where by the physical and emotional are overexpressed and the intellectual and spiritual are quite often neglected. This unbalanced effort in these four major elements of romantic connections are most intriguingly expressed in the "commitment" and "equality" testing grounds. Everything has to be fair, right? And so, much of the human culture has developed the attitude in seeing fairness in relationships as being 50/50 in most major respects.
"THAT, is why you fail." - Master Yoda.
The problem with being 50/50 is that we, as humans, are imperfect. There is always going to be a mistake. There is always a sense of negativity, resentment, guilt, revenge, apathy, etc. And, as we have all experienced, every relationship has a "rough patch" (hate this term, btw)... a conflict... a problem that surfaces. It is during these times, 50/50 becomes more like 40/40 or even less. Well then the relationship is really only running at 80%. What is worse, as negativity penetrates a relationship, old feelings come up each time, don't they? Things quickly turn into a tit-for-tat mentality. You thought 80% was bad... remember that one breakup because things were more like 40/0?
I feel that where our mentality truly fails us is our perception of fairness within the context of romantic relationships. We all have off-days. We all have moments of weakness. This is where you want your partner to have your back. The only way this happens is if you and your beloved are "all in." I think the best investment model for a successful relationship is the 100/100 deal.
With being 100/100, it is no longer about fairness; it is about the success of the relationship. Example: In my marriage, when I'm having a bad day, I know my wife has my back because she'll step up no matter how much I'm dropping the ball. I may forget something, I may do another thing incorrectly, and I might even hurt her feelings through some unintended mean words I say. However, two things always happen after those moments of weakness. My wife will still have my back, and, I'll have hers.
But, wait! That wasn't fair!!!! Didn't I make up for things? Well, of course I did - well - tried. When we make mistakes, we can't exactly take things back. It already happened at a point and space in time. Again, aiming for 100/100 isn't about fairness. It is about the success of the relationship. My wife also knows that should she have bad days, I have her taken care of and will be at my best 100% of the time. Say we both have bad days, we're at 70%/70%... our relationship is still charged up at 140% of the day... MUCH better than the 50/50 situation.
I suppose the best way to describe the 50/50 FailZone in relationships goes beyond fairness, justice, equality, or even commitment. This zone of failure exists because the in the 50/50 model, you have two individuals trying to exist within acceptable vicinity. In the 100/100 model, you have a team who rejects the individualism that can cause separation. You have a singular team who will stop it nothing to succeed; to find themselves in a place of happiness, fulfillment, and pleasurable joy.
That is the power where you have a relationship that is "all in." That is the power when all players involved are at 100% effort no matter what the other player is doing.
